I don't really know what to write but I knew I had to write something. I know you may be like "huh?" and honestly...so am I...but I just had this feeling that I needed to write something.

Life to me has been a big blur as of lately. I've been coasting through the days trying not to think so much about anything just so I won't have to deal with it. Have you ever done that? Just refused to think for awhile so you won't have to deal with the situations around you? Well for a thinker this use to be difficult but as of lately it's been a lot easier. Not too sure why but it kind of scares me...

In those moments...I've always been told that I shouldn't concentrate on my situation and that I should look unto Jesus but I have to admit that I really haven't took that advice at all. Why? Because truthfully when you look unto Jesus, He sometimes make you deal with those very situations you try to ignore. He allows the Holy Spirit to convict you to the point where you have to face it...and I for one CANNOT handle that. It's like when the holy spirit convicts me...He just will not let up!!!...I mean I try to ignore it and sometimes rebuke it lmbo...hoping it's just me and not God dealing with me...I usually refer to this as the time when the Holy Spirit was "kicking my butt"...lol...but a lot of times I have to give in and face it...and what I usually have to face is myself...my thoughts, my motives, my fears, my desires, my challenges, my issues....

And for me....facing myself is my biggest challenge...UGH!! Sometimes it's just TOO MUCH...I know there are things about me that I need to change...there are times when I just don't want to change but there are also moments when I want to...and in those "wanting" moments I feel like my zeal in wanting to change can be a bit frustrating. I want to be all that God wants me to be and I know that in order to be that there are things that I definitely need to change....however I want them to change NOW and when they don't I get frustrated...I feel like "ok God...I'm working on it!!!"....and 3 weeks later you see SOME progress but it isn't enough...I'm not changing as fast as I would like to and I go back in that mode where I just want to ignore it....act like it's not a real issue...like it's not there...

And you know what frustrates me the most?...it's that sometimes the change doesn't seem that extreme...I talk to God sometimes and I'm like "God I mean is it really that big of a deal?...you know there are people in life with traits worse than this and you're convicting me about this? Seriously God?!?!?"....but I'm starting to realize that my walk with God is just that....MY WALK....I can't compare my walk with YOURS or Jimmy's or Erika's walk...I can't use them to measure my righteousness or how good I am...God has called us to different things, different places and to different people and what He deals with me about He may not deal with the next man about but that man may not be going where God wants to take me....I'm being molded and in this case "dealt with" to prepare me for my assignments...so I can't ignore the issues...and I can't compare my walk...

...I have to look unto Jesus and allow the Holy Spirit to work through me and work out the things that I need to change to first of all...please God...but also to be well equipped for the assignments God has in stored for me...so no more coasting through life ignoring the issues...I have to trust that God will give me the strength to face, change, or endure whatever it is I'm going through....remembering the whole time that it's not about me, it's all about God...

....ok so I wrote something lol...much love to you for reading....

Heart's Love
ProVerbs